Embracing the Gray Area of Divorce as a Liberating Choice
When people ask me about my philosophy on divorce or why I've been doing this type of work for so long despite its often depressing and emotional nature, I always come back to one concept, which is that divorce is a choice. Just as marriage is a choice to partner with another individual, divorce is a choice to end that partnership, for reasons that you have determined. These reasons may or may not align with the other person's reasons, and it might not even be their choice. It could be a unilateral decision by one person.
My perspective on divorce has been heavily influenced by mathematics and numbers. In math, you often deal with black and white concepts where two plus two always equals four. However, when it comes to divorce, there is a lot of gray area. There are legal aspects, financial considerations, and emotions all intertwined. The combination of these elements can make the process seem tumultuous and disastrous from an outside perspective. For me, it required a shift in perspective. I didn't have personal experience with divorce, as neither my family members nor close relatives had gone through it. My understanding of divorce was shaped solely through my work. I always believed that I was adept at listening to people's problems during divorce because my father is a neurotherapist and psychologist, and I was accustomed to hearing about familial and marital challenges. However, I saw divorce differently. I saw it as a gray area without clear rights or wrongs. It was about what was right for the individual involved. When we label something as right or wrong, it stems from our perspective and judgments based on our notions of what a marriage should look like. Our understanding of marriage is often influenced by observing our parents' marriage, the marriages of others in our family, and experiences of both positive and negative relationships. These ingrained beliefs shape our understanding of love and being loved. In many divorce situations, you'll find people who got married at a young age, rushed into marriage, or made decisions based on one or two factors. Ultimately, they were influenced by societal expectations and norms.
Your perception of marriage and divorce is shaped by your personal history, experiences, family, and friends. When you find yourself offering advice to others going through a divorce, it's based on your understanding of love, marriage, and divorce, which is influenced by your own background. However, all of this is still rooted in judgment, assuming that there is a right or wrong way to navigate relationships. Society often perpetuates the idea that the right path is to be married and that divorce is the wrong outcome. But what if this belief isn't true? What if the lie is that marriage is the key to happiness, and the truth is that divorce can lead to freedom? It allows individuals to assess whether the institution, relationship, partnership, or person is still the right fit for them in the present. This also involves acknowledging change and challenging outdated beliefs that promote staying the same forever. Society assumes that relationships are meant to last indefinitely, that children will outlive their parents, and that the status quo will remain unchanged. We expect that if we meet someone at age 22 and get married, we will be together forever. However, life events and personal growth introduce change. If two people change in different ways or to such an extent that they are no longer compatible, they should have the freedom to choose a different path based on their transformed lives.
With this perspective, two individuals who entered a relationship at 16, 22, 25, or 35 may try to maintain the same relationship dynamics they had in their 20s or 30s, without accepting that relationships naturally evolve over time. They may also fail to acknowledge that entering into marriage wasn't the best decision to begin with. Perhaps it was an impulsive decision, driven by factors like elopement, impending parenthood, or the fear of missing out. In some cases, getting married is seen as proof of love after dating for a specific number of years, as if there's an expectation to reach a certain milestone.
Overall, embracing the concept of divorce as a choice, rather than a predetermined failure, can be a powerful shift in perspective. Viewing divorce as a gray area, where individual circumstances and personal growth play a crucial role, helps break free from societal expectations and judgments. Each person's journey is unique, and the decision to divorce should be driven by what is right for them in the present, acknowledging that change is a natural part of life. Remember, divorce is not a reflection of defeat, but rather an opportunity for growth and the pursuit of a more fulfilling life journey.
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